Now What? is a new blog series designed to address specific issues related to coping with life鈥檚 challenges.
I recently had the experience of asking a close friend for a break. 聽Like a lot of relationships, this ending happened suddenly (via text in a grocery store), but really had been imminent for some time.
Plenty has been written about how difficult it is to as an . 聽It should be a given that is essential to well-being. 聽But not every friendship that starts out as supportive and beneficial to both people stays that way. 聽Sometime people grow at different rates or in opposite directions, even if you wish they wouldn鈥檛.
Beginning a friendship may be challenging, but even tougher is knowing how to thoughtfully end an adult friendship that is no longer satisfying. 聽In some cases, drifting apart happens naturally (and mutually) and no harm is done to either person. 聽But sometimes there is no clear time and place to end a friendship. 聽Sometimes a small shift occurs and now you feel worse after spending time together rather than better.聽 Getting together feels more like an obligation than a pleasure.
How do you know when a friendship is over?聽 What should you do if it is? 聽Here are some ideas.
Notice the patterns. 聽Dissatisfaction in a relationship can creep up on you. 聽Everyone has bad days, right? 聽But when you start to notice, for example, that almost every time you get together your friend changes or cancels plans, take note. 聽If her disinterest in listening to you isn鈥檛 just that one time when she was stressed, but every time, take note. 聽Behavior speaks volumes.
Check in with your feelings. 聽How do you feel after spending time together? 聽Immediately afterwards, ask yourself: what is my mood like? 聽How much energy do I have when I get home? Time spent with a good friend should make you feel better – about yourself, about life in general – rather than worse.
Experiment with space. 聽Consider taking an unofficial break from this friend and see how you feel. 聽Recognize and then put aside any feelings of guilt to make conscious decisions about who you will spend time with for a week or two. 聽Then check in with your feelings again.
Be honest. 聽If you decide that the friendship doesn鈥檛 work for you anymore, try to talk openly with the other person. 聽Address the changes to your relationship from your point of view. 聽Use 鈥淚鈥� statements (I feel dissatisfied with our relationship. 聽I am disappointed every time you cancel at the last minute) to avoid placing blame or criticizing – just speak adult to adult about how you are feeling right now.
Cynthia Ransley, MA, LLP is Social Media Copywriter for The Michigan School.